So after being a Dungeon Master for a year now I thought it would be funny to share some of my favorite quotes of why I love this game, and how it’s difficult to explain.
Without further ado, the following is D&D out of context-
Number One
“Paladin NPC- “Sir, why do you hang around such company as this?”
Barbarian Dragonborn pivots with eyes bulging. “What! What do you mean?”
NPC- “Well, I’m no detective, but you brought a goat inside the inn, sir.”
Barbarian- “Him! He’s a GOD!”
Number Two
Barbarian- “You know, we have a ranger; why are we lost again?”
Number Three
DM- “Great, so you’ve rested for 24 hours in the clinic. Wizard, roll for testicular healing.”
The Party- “Wait, what?”
Rogue- “Repeat that please.”
DM- “Nope. You heard me. I’m not repeating it.”
Number Four
Barbarian- “Do I know my way around the city?”
DM- “Roll investigation.”
Barbarian- “18, I’d like to shake down the nearest small child for information.”
Number Five
Wizard- “I’d like to roll to charm the cosmic time baby.”
Number Six
DM- “You see before for the Peryton’s nest and it’s clutch.”
“Barbarian- “Good, I eat the eggs. It’s been a long dungeon.”
Number Seven
DM- “How is it you ask the horse its name before the NPC you’ve traveled with for the past eight hours?”
Number Eight
DM- “So you gather your newfound party with Minerva the werewolf in t-“
Cleric- “Nope. She doesn’t deserve to have a name.”
Number Nine
Cleric- “I still say we should’ve killed that unicorn.”
Number Ten
Cleric- “Natural twenty.”
DM- “How would you like to do this?”
Cleric- “I’d like to cast Guiding bolt from my butthole.
Number Eleven
DM- “The druid disintegrates from a searing anal blast into a pile of ash.”
Cleric- “[nonchalant baas] I eat grass.”
Number Twelve
Barbarian- “I weep and make sandcastles from the druid’s ashes.”
Number Thirteen
DM- “So what’s the marching order?”
Druid- “I go first because last time the rogue called me over, I got mauled by badgers.”
Rogue- “That was one time.”
Druid- “It only takes once.”
Number Fourteen
Barbarian “I’d like to milk Peryton.”
Cleric “Yeah, he needs some milk.”
Number Fifteen
Barbarian- “I’m lost again. I search for another small child to intimidate, I mean to ask, for directions.”
Number Sixteen
Rogue. “I loot the room for ropes. They can keep the gold.”
Number Seventeen
Barbarian “You know some give girls rings. The ranger gives prosthetics.”
Number Eighteen
Ranger “Does the girl have a name?”
DM- “Ilene.”
Number Nineteen
Cleric- “I roll perception. 2”
DM- “Your eyes cross and your gaze fixates on the corner of the room.”
Number Twenty
Cleric- “You do realize in this game we can do anything? Why are we in this dungeon? Let’s open a coffee shop.”
Number Twenty-One
Cleric- “I still say we should’ve robbed the game warden. Cut out the middleman.”
Number Twenty-Two
NPC- “Who are you?”
Ranger (trying to be edgy)- “Who are you?”
NPC- “I asked you first.”
Ranger- “I asked you second.”
Number Twenty-Three
Ranger “Wait, so did we kill the momma or the baby beast?”
DM- (intense scribbling) Yes.
Number Twenty-Four
Rogue- “The leader of the Black Sails is the most notorious and feared pirates of all the seas—Louise.
Druid- “Doesn’t sound so scary.’
Rogue- “She was my fourth wife, believe me.”
DM- (intense scribbling)
Number Twenty-Five
DM- “So you all climb aboard the rubber ducky made of solid gold and sail the astral sea. [You know. Like you do, I guess.]”
Number Twenty-Six
DM- “I’m gonna rule she takes psychic damage for vomiting 6,436 feathers. She also thinks she’s a clone.”
Number Twenty-Seven
Dwarf- “Sir, no masks inside the tavern.”
Monk Luchador- “What mask?”
Dwarf- “The one on your face.”
Monk- “What are insinuating shorty?”
Number Twenty-Eight
DM- “So what you see is a terrifying giant serpent with angelic celestial wings… She also smells like cotton candy, who knew? Isn’t heaven fun?”
Number Twenty-Nine
Barbarian “I chew the food for the old lady. The monk’s life had better be worth it.”
Number Thirty
Low Intelligence Barbarian “Will this challenge involve any fighting?”
Tempus, god of war- (sighs)
Number Thirty-One
Monk- “I’d like to help the Were-Panda go home.”
Number Thirty-Two
DM “Wait, why’d I give you dynamite?”
Number Thirty-Three
Monk- “I’d like to impersonate a lawyer.”
DM “Roll deception, and it better be good.”
Nat 20.
Monk- “This is a hate crime. My client is innocent.”
Number Thirty-Four
Fighter “Does the Pegasus have a name?”
DM- “um, roll an insight check, I think?”
Rolls a 16.
DM- “You gather maybe not.”
Fighter- “I name him Blackjack.”
Number Thirty-Five
Fighter- “Wizard, I will pay you to leave me to get drunk alone.”
Number Thirty-Six
Fighter- “Are we ever coming back to see what was behind that door?”
Barbarian- “We’ll do it later.”
SIX MONTHS LATER-
They’ve still have not come back.
Number Thirty-Seven
DM- “Your fallen foes lay before you. What would you like to do?”
Ranger- “I look for gold.”
Rogue- “I look for rope.
Barbarian “I look for milk.”
Cleric- “I assist. I assist! Milk check now.”
Number Thirty-Eight
Cleric “What if this whole quest is just a long journey to get some milk?”
DM- (intense scribbling)
Number Thirty-Nine
2 MONTHS LATER
DM- “You reach the tavern exhausted after a hard two weeks, and you see a farm maiden searching those who slew the beast of the wilderness. She rewards you with milk.”
Number Forty
Dragonborn Rogue gets escorted away.
Luchador Monk- “I think I gotta case here. Racial profiling. No doubt about it, brother.”
Conclusion
To all my players, thanks for an amazing year as your DM. Here’s to a new year with new quests to take, and fun to be had. Let me know if I missed any of your favorites.
To any regular readers, if you’d like to know more about the stories behind any of these let me know, and I can write up a campaign diary or two.